Letting Go

I have been breastfeeding my daughter for 2 years and 3 months now.

My Birthday, 2014

I've nursed her day and night, nursed her to sleep, nursed her for comfort and for whatever other reason nursing is good for. I sometimes think I abuse it too much, hehe. Why not? Its the easiest way to calm her when she's sick, when she'd hurt herself, when she's cranky, when she's sleepy..the list goes on. She would even trick me into letting her nurse when she doesn't want to do something. (e.g. bath time). As I've said before, breastfeeding goes way beyond just feeding a hungry child. It's a very complex process unique to every mother and offspring. Even after 2 years of doing it, the amazement still hasn't worn off in my part.

So imagine my surprise last night when my daughter fell asleep without nursing. She was just lying there, closed her eyes and fell asleep.

And it happened again tonight. She turned her back on me and was asleep a few seconds after.

In both occasions, I felt a whole slew of emotions.
-Shocked, because I'm used to nursing her to sleep. We've been doing it for more than 2 years!
-Sad, because I feel like I'm losing one of our bonding sessions. My baby is really growing up!
-Panicked, how will I calm her now if I remove breastfeeding in the equation??!!
-Happy, more freelance time since I no longer have to wait for her to fall asleep. Don't get me wrong, I love nursing her, but there are times that I feel enough is enough especially when I have pending tasks
-Relieved, she's developing just right and I'm not a totally bad mother.
-Sentimental, I can't help but remember how long we've come in our breastfeeding journey - all those ignorant breastfeeding comments that I had to ignore.
Wistful, I do enjoy breastfeeding and I'm not sure if I'm ready to let it go.

Yep, her weaning from night nursing is turning me into one crazy lady.

*Sigh*. I know, I know. Babies grow old and sooner or later they will stop nursing. For those moms who are stressed out that their babies are nursing round the clock, believe me - it won't last forever. One day, your baby will just be done with it. You might think that when that day comes, all you'll feel is relief, but look at me now. I'm actually sad, shocked, panicky and more - and that's just with night weaning.

I wonder how I'll fare once my daughter is fully weaned. I hope I'll be more prepared.

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